


Everything You Deserve

by it_was_anyway



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Also they are proud dads, But for once they are doing it with words instead of assumptions, Canon Compliant, Dean is suicidal at the start, Fix-It, Its not all smooth sailing but its a happy ending, M/M, Mentioned Sam/Eileen, Takes place during and expands on 15x20, They have issues they are working through
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 05:21:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28648221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/it_was_anyway/pseuds/it_was_anyway
Summary: Dean is in heaven, he should finally be at peace. Except there's something missing, something he's been ignoring ever since his best friend died right in front of him and everything became too painful to bear. Part of him believes he can never have it, most of him won't even allow himself to define it, but for the first time in his life he feels crazy enough to reach out for it all the same.This is a 15x20 fix it fic that explains Dean's lack of emotions and elaborates on what happens in the time before Dean meets Sam on the bridge. Nothing contradicts canon.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 1
Kudos: 50





	Everything You Deserve

Dean Winchester was dead. It wasn't the first time such a thing had happened, but he knew, deep down, it would be the last. His final, final rest. In the past, every death he had overcome he had done so with fervour and bone headed determination - he had fought to the last and been raised again swinging. There were things he wanted from life and every time he was grateful for the opportunity to go out and take them. 

Not this time. This time there had been nothing left.

He hadn't even realised he wanted to die until the cards were laid out for him, but once that realisation hit the feeling was unmistakable. Carelessness had led to his demise, he now realised, a carelessness that could only come from sinking so deep into a fantasy he could no longer see the world around him. It had been the only way to distract himself from the reality that that world was so washed out it was not worth seeing at all. What reason did he have to fight? To survive? He wanted nothing.

Well, nothing except what he always had. To keep his brother safe. His one beacon. But that was not enough. 

Sam didn't need him anymore. He had grown up into a man far more capable than Dean in every way, and he was so proud. He didn't want to leave him, of course he didn't, but guilt alone could not keep him on Earth. Sam had Eileen now, in time he would be able to move on. 

He would be able to move on in ways Dean never could. From things he couldn't even bear to acknowledge, because the only thing waiting for him down that path was pain. 

Dean had craved release in his final few days and release was what he had been granted. He had made it to heaven, his slideshow of memories in which all the faces he had lost would be present. It had never seemed fair to him that he would die knowing of the illusion, unlike most who were able to believe that it was real, but now he realised an illusion was far, far better than nothing at all. If life was to be nothing then let death dish out the consolation prize. 

But then, the impossible had happened. Heaven had changed. Not just a slideshow anymore, but an interactive feature. The souls of everyone he craved to be reunited with out there just waiting for him. Everyone.

_ Cas helped. _

Dean’s knuckles were turning white from how hard he was clutching the steering wheel as he drove. His eyes bored holes in the road ahead. There was a single sentence looping in his head, over and over.  _ Cas helped _ . Bobby’s knowing smile. He was on the edge of losing himself completely to something he had, for so many years, tried desperately not to feel. Because he didn’t deserve it, because he couldn’t have it, because it wasn’t real. 

The last decade of his life flashed before him. All those moments where he caught himself staring just a little bit too long and he thought, well, who wouldn’t? He’s an angel, that’s something you don’t see every day. Until he did see him, every day, and nothing changed. All of those moments where he lied.  _ You’re like a brother to me, Cas _ . He had believed it, because he had to. That was the way Dean had always coped, shoving everything down so far he could forget it even existed. All those moments they fought, and somehow it hurt so much more deeply than he had expected. It was different, it was always different to anything he had ever felt. But Castiel was an angel, he couldn’t feel what Dean was trying so hard to escape. That was why it was different, that was why-

_ I love you. _

Dean slammed the breaks. He tore open the door to the impala and stormed off into the trees. Running didn't help any more than driving did, though. Coming to a stop at the base of an old oak he caught his breath and let his head rest against the cool bark. Escape was fruitless in more than one way. It wasn't working, and it wasn't what he wanted. After a final few moments of terrified deliberation, he clasped his hands together to pray. Something he never thought he would do again. He broke down the walls holding back all of his longing and allowed himself hope that the one it was directed at could hear him after all. 

“Cas...”

A quiet rustle and his heart skipped a beat.

“Hello Dean.”

It skipped a couple more. 

Dean had barely turned around and already he had embraced him. It felt so natural. The familiar hem of his coat, always the same, how many times had his fingers brushed over it like this? “Where have you been...”

He felt Castiel stiffen beneath him and pull away. “Jack resurrected me to help rebuild heaven. I was-”

“And you never thought to let us know that?” 

The angel avoided his gaze. “You seemed happy.”

“Happy?” Although he didn’t mean it to, Dean realised he was coming off much too angry. That was always the case. Always too angry.

“I just thought maybe... some time would be good. I didn’t want what I said to change things.”

“Cas, listen to me. I was not happy, I was hollow. How could you say something like that and leave? I didn’t even think you could-”

“Could what, Dean?”

It was all coming out now. That should have terrified him, but somehow Dean felt strangely at peace. Maybe it was because he was dead, maybe it was because this is what always should have happened. His anger had already burned out into something far gentler. “Love me. I never thought you could understand. How did you know you couldn’t have me when you never even asked?”

“I...” 

“You can have me, Cas. You’ve always had me. Damn it, right from the very start. I just didn’t want to see it. I didn't want to believe it, because where would that have left me? You're an angel, I'm just a blip in your existence. I'm just-”

Cas reached out and placed his hand on Dean's shoulder. He met Dean’s gaze. Those eyes, they made the whole world fade away. “You have never been just anything to me Dean. Your love, your example, it made me what I am. That is the single most important blip of eternity.”

Dean’s brain was short circuiting. It was too sudden. He had only just realised how much he wanted to hear those words; how could he process Cas standing there there saying them? Too many years of self loathing, too many years of running away. What he did have, though, was the kind of bravery that only comes from believing you have nothing left to lose. He reached for the back of that beige collar and pulled himself closer. But this time, unlike all those other times, his head didn't swerve out of the way to come to a rest in the crook of Cas' neck. He held firm. He wrapped his arms around further and kissed him.

If he was to have this one, selfish moment, he would not allow himself to regret it.

But the lips that met his were warm and welcoming. Fingers trailed his hair rather than pushing him away. He opened his eyes and saw blue and black and  _ happiness _ swirling around where he had convinced himself he could never see it, and nothing in all of his life had ever felt so right.

When they broke apart, the world felt different. Dean saw a smile creeping over that oh so familiar face and he knew there was a matching one building on his own. There was endless time to panic but right now was seared into his mind forever as beautiful. 

All he could think to do was keep staring, as though the moment would last forever if he never let it go. And perhaps it could have done, as the angel standing across from him seemed no more inclined to break that connection. 

It took something external to break his gaze. Another rustle, this one from the right, that his instincts drew his eyes to before he could stop them. 

“Jack!” Cas was faster. 

Dean saw him too now, standing off to the side. He was just as in their last meeting. Looking at him, it was easy to think that nothing had changed. 

“Hello! I'm not intruding, am I?” 

“Of course not” Dean said, a little too quickly. Although that was a lie, his next words were genuine. “It's good to see you, Jack.” 

“I wish I could say the same. I had hoped for many more years before our reunion, a chance for you to live a long and natural life. You deserved that, Dean.” 

“You could have changed things.” 

Jack shook his head. “I meant what I said. I don't wish to interfere the same way Chuck did. The life of every human is their own now to do with what they please.”

Dean grunted his ascent. “I understand, and I am grateful for it. Sorry I didn't end up doing much with that gift.” 

“It doesn't matter, what's done is done.” Cas was still looking over at him with fondness in his eyes. How long until he realised this was all a big mistake? 

“I wanted to welcome you personally, Dean. You meant a lot to me when I was... Younger, and now that you are in heaven I had hoped we could still interact like that from time to time. If you don't object, of course.”

Dean thought back to their fishing trip, teaching Jack how to drive. Quiet bunker nights where they had really solidified their bonds as a family. He thought back to his mother, all the pain her death had inflicted, and how misplaced every blow he struck had been. “I would love to. I cherished our interactions just as you did, Jack. I'm sorry sometimes I couldn't find the right words to say it, and couldn't look past my own grief to see it.”

Jack beamed back at him with that childlike glee that made Dean's heart melt a little each time he saw it. He  _ was  _ a child, Dean always had to correct himself, but one with the world resting on his shoulders. Quite literally now. 

“I've made you a house, if you would like to see it. It's on a lake nearby. You don't have to stay there, of course, but I-”

“I would love to.” Dean said again.

Jack’s grin widened before he turned to lead the way. He seemed to be walking back in the direction Dean had come, hopefully back towards the car. Dean fell into step with Cas following a little way behind Jack. 

Cas seemed preoccupied with Jack now, looking forwards with pride in his eyes. Dean shared that sentiment, although he had never been much of a father to the kid. That was all Cas, teaching him about his gifts and his responsibilities.

“How’s he holding up?” Dean asked, voice low but not intending secrecy. He wasn’t sure if such a thing were even possible anymore. 

“He’s been amazing.” Another smile crept over his features. It seemed to be a common occurrence, and Dean shared the sentiment. There was so much to be happy for. “It is of course a huge burden he now shoulders, but I don't think he shoulders it unwillingly. He has shown me some of what he can now see in creation and it's beautiful. There's so much goodness in the world that is worth protecting. I can't understand how Chuck could have ever grown tired of it.”

“Chuck wanted to control creation, not appreciate it. It didn't matter to him the forests he burned, in fact I don't even think he stopped to acknowledge them.”

Cas nodded. “Jack was born, for a time he was completely human. He understands the beauty of humanity and exactly how it must be protected. Not with the overbearing reach of destiny but with champions who choose to fight for what they believe in. That's what you taught him.”

They reached the edge of the woods. Sure enough, Jack had led them back to the impala, and was now patiently waiting to get into the back seat. 

Dean looked at Cas and then back at Jack as he made his way around to the driver’s seat.  _ Our son is God _ . Dean caught himself thinking.  _ How did I end up here?  _ But rather than fixating on the part that should have alarmed him it was the beginning that took root in his head as he turned the keys in the ignition.  _ Our son _ . Not a new concept, he had long considered himself one of the boy’s fathers, but suddenly it had taken on a new dimension.  _ I love you.  _

He floored the accelerator. 

This car trip was so much more pleasant than the last. There wasn’t much talking other than Jack leaning in from the back to give directions but the atmosphere was comfortable. Dean was no longer alone, he was with his family. 

There was a Sam shaped hole in the passenger seat, but Cas was sitting there now, not filling it, but giving him something different in return. He had never filled it. In hindsight it was so obvious Dean could scream. Every time it had been just the two of them, even when he had fought with Sam and they had parted ways in anger, he hadn’t been looking for another brother. Sam had always been that to him no matter the state of mind he was in. What he had been looking for was a companion. A friend, perhaps, but some moments, when they were younger, when Cas hadn’t learned the boundaries Dean had enforced to stop himself and all those walls were still being built he did wonder...

“You’re not looking at the road, Dean.” 

Dean didn’t look away. “What am I going to do, die a second time?”

He saw the furrow in Cas’ eyebrows and the twitch on his lips before he couldn’t hold back his smile. “That’s not the point.” 

“Left here,” came the unperturbed instruction from behind.

Dean wondered if he knew. Of course he  _ could  _ know, he was God, he could see everything if he wanted to. But somehow Dean knew that Jack wasn’t interested in exercising that omnipotence on him. So it left him to wonder: was he oblivious or was he completely unsurprised.  _ Were we the only ones who didn’t see it _ .

He pulled the impala to a halt at the edge of the forest. Ahead was a dirt path leading up to a white brick cottage. Dean could see a small wooden jetty off to the side and a boat floating beside it in the lake that stretched out behind the house. The water was calm and the whole atmosphere had a feeling of serenity he had not experienced before. It reminded Dean of a dream he had, long ago, fishing off a jetty not unlike this one. 

“I took inspiration from my place of birth.” Jack was explaining to him, “It always seemed peaceful to me, even though it was tainted with so much death. I changed it, of course, to be yours and not mine.”

Dean opened the door and straightened up to take in his surroundings fully. “It’s perfect, Jack.”

He started walking down the pathway towards the front door, and from the sounds behind him he knew Cas and Jack were following. Cas murmured something that sounded like “I told you he would love it.” Dean turned to look more closely at the jetty.

It  _ was _ the same.

He smiled to himself and changed course to come to a stop in front of it. Cas knew him so well in so many aspects. So many. So how had he been blind to the truth of his feelings? Unless he hadn’t.  _ Are you just being what you know I always wanted you to be? _ Dean’s smile vanished. 

The sun was going down. He heard Cas and Jack come up to stand either side of him, and seeing Cas once again look over at him in the day’s last light eased his mind. It had been the confession of a dying man. Not of someone who was ever planning on facing the consequences.

“You were avoiding me because of what you said.” Dean said into the silence.

“Yes.” Came the response. 

Jack said nothing. Dean knew that he knew. 

They stood there together until the sun had set completely and the moon had risen to replace the light. Dean turned to go inside. “I think I will be very happy here, Jack. Thank you.” 

“You’re most welcome Dean. It is everything you deserve.” 

The three of them walked up to the porch and through the front door of the cottage. Dean was overcome by his instinct to explore, and found himself ducking from room to room examining every tiny detail. It was tastefully decorated but not lavish, just as he liked it. He finally came to a stop at the bedroom and allowed himself to fall backwards onto the impossibly soft bedspread. What a long day it had been. 

He heard a chuckle coming from the door. “I think that’s my cue. I’ll see you around, Cas.” A little louder. “And you, Dean.”

Dean grunted his ascent. A blink of an eye and they were alone. 

Cas cleared his throat. “I guess this means I should be heading off too.”

_ There he goes again _ . Dean sighed. Always leaving. And Dean... always letting him go.  _ Be the brave one for once _ . A voice called out to him. He had always ignored it. But maybe he believed just a little too much in everything that had happened to him today. Maybe selfish was still something he was entitled to, just until the sun came up again.

He pulled himself up into a sitting position to look over at the angel hovering at his door.

“Stay?”

Cas’ face crumbled and Dean didn’t understand how that had ever been so hard. 

“You really want me to?” he asked, so hopeful.  _ He really didn’t know _ .

“Every time, Cas. Every time you left I wanted to hold you back. But how could I? I’m nothing compared to you. You had purpose, you were doing things Sam and I never could. Even now you could be out there with God instead of wasting time with me. I...” A lump was building in his throat. “I know I’m sounding like a broken record here and I’m sorry, but I can’t-”

Cas came to sit beside Dean on the bed. His eyes flitted downwards to hands balled up into fists on Dean’s lap and after a moment's hesitation reached out to grasp them in his own. “I would have stayed if you asked me to. You don’t have to believe me - it’s enough that you want to, that’s already more than I thought I could have. We will figure the rest out.”

Tears welled up in Dean's eyes that obscured his view.  _ I don't deserve this. I don't deserve this. I don't _ \- 

There were arms around him now and he surrendered to them, letting the tears soak through. “I love you.” he whispered, because it was the only thing he could give. The tears on his own shoulder told him it was enough, somehow, even though in his mind it never could be. But what did he know?


End file.
